Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Randomize
