How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
