remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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