Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Randomize
