Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
