i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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