The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
