headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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