Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Last time I had a one night stand he ended up stalking me for two months.
So you're not picking up this weekend?
This weekend, I am Angela, visiting from Calgary. We'll have to roleplay this.
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