i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
