At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
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