??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
that is very illegal...i love you.
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