My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
So much rum. So many feels.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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