Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
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