I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
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