Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
