you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
