just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I DEMAND FORESKIN
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
