Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Randomize
