you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
