I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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