I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Randomize
