if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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