Someone shit on the floor
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Randomize
