Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
