even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
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