I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I'm sobbing to NWA
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
