Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
