I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
