I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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