I will die if light touches me.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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