i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
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