I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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