Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
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