theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
