vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
