I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
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