I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
NoShamevember. You game?
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I pour the whiskey from now on
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Randomize
