6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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