I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
