so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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