Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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