My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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