I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
He did a backflip because drugs
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
