I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
