hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
