Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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