My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Houston, we have a squirter
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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