can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Randomize
