And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
