Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
