I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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